Computer problems

Started having problems with anti-virus software earlier this week (it kept freezing during a scan). After consultation with IT guru who lives on Orkney Mainland, I downloaded and ran various software to ensure it wasn’t a nasty virus infecting my computer. All clear – phew. So went onto manufacturer's website to see if I could sort out problem and saw a newer version of anti-virus software available. Downloaded this….. BIG mistake……

What is it with the latest products from large corporations that makes them want to take over my entire computer…….? The programme suddenly morphed into the kind of security guys you see at large venues: built like a brick wall, wearing a sharp suit, shades, and ear/microphone. So these guys clearly decided the greatest security risk to my computer was ME…….. “Code Red – she’s approaching her email!” I got the computer equivalent of “STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD, MADAM”…… complete lockout.

Anyway I managed to sneak under the radar and email IT guru –but it’s 10.30 pm and I know I won’t get a reply till the morning. This doesn’t stop me sending five more emails with increasing desperation ….. nor does it help my impatience to get things sorted so start “uninstalling” World Domination Software. I’ve done this before and know what to do….. “My name is Bond, Jane Bond, I like my martini shaken but not stirred”. Meanwhile “Gold Finger” makes one last attempt at World Domination and crashed my computer. I’m not beaten that easily and rebooted – only to find my email software trashed, leaving my inbox which was formerly full of vibrant friendly messages, completely empty…… I drained the martini in one gulp.

And the uninstall, having crashed, had left traces of World Domination on my computer, which was clashing with my existing firewall software. Existing software does not go in for flashy World Domination, but is more the type of security you would have seen in a 1970’s London Disco: very low key, blokes in open necked shirts, who silently appeared en masse to surround any trouble and discretely removed it. Which meant if you were singing along to the latest Glam Rock hit by Sweet (remember them?) while dancing around your handbag, you barely noticed anything……..

So – there was a bit of a battle between discrete security and the Sharp Suit guys and my web browser bit the dust. However this time it had been protected by discrete security and once I’d finally despatched the Sharp Suit guys I was rewarded with the return of my web browser…..

And during all this my IT guru was sending me calming emails with things like “Today you are going to edit the registry” and while I hyperventilated he would calmly give me step by step instructions to forever rid myself of World Domination software and install something more helpful …… I wanted a functioning computer…. I followed instructions…..

So – I now have installed sensible functioning security which doesn’t try to dominate The World or my computer and if anyone suggests I need to upgrade I will not be responsible for my actions……..