Cats - how to train your human

OK I've had Button just over a year and she has succeeded in training her human well.

Button's daily schedule...... (Cats may wish to take notes....)

Between 5 am and 7am - need a little light exercise and food. If weather inclement, wake up human. Do this gently : sit by bed and softly meow....continue till human awakes. If human picks you up and puts you out of room, sit at bedroom door nearest bed and meow loudly for two minutes....... leave gap of five minutes, then resume meowing..... eventually human will give in as she seems to like to sleep..... well so do I, so feed me and we can both get back to the important activity of sleeping.......

Upon returning from a little light breakfast, jump on bed carefully avoiding human, snuggle down beside human and purr attractively. This is irresistible and will result in much tickling behind ear in the special spot, so both can sleep warmly for another couple of hours.

Upon human rising, remain in bed for 15 minutes - human requires water to slosh over face and body - do not get in way of this - nasty......

Demand to go out with human to feed hens and that scruff-bag Charlie-in-the-Barn........ demands will be denied but guilt is good for humans..... continue daily.

Upon human's return from feeding of outdoor creatures, meow demandingly for attention. Insist upon going out the Front Door which requires human assistance. Inspect weather, if weather fine, insist human accompanies you for a walk around the garden boundary- air is good for humans, and they like to feel included, sit at door looking pathetic if human ignores your appeals - works every time. If weather inclement, insist human participates in play activity. She seems to like to use the fluffy snake on a stick and is proud of herself if she can touch my ears or my tummy. Let her win a couple of times, then kill the bloody fluffy thing.

After this exhausting morning routine, retire to warm snuggly place and sleep till 4pm - demand food, return to sleep till 7pm. Human eats about 7.30 - if human is eating meat or fish she will provide a small morsel - no need to rise or make presence known. She will locate and hand feed with tasty morsel. More sleeping till 9pm.

At 9pm time to walk the bounds and check for intruders outdoors - insist human opens door, refuse to use cat flap to exit house, only use to enter. Return at 10.15 when human has emerged from that hot water thing she does AGAIN. Light supper, and then meow loudly if she shows no signs of going to bed. 15 minutes of snuggling is essential to aid good sleep in order to facilitate early rising at 5am to start this hectic schedule all over again......

Note: Humans have poor hunting skills. Ensure they get plenty of practice by bringing in and releasing live prey at regular intervals. This is also good entertainment value, particularly if visitors are present.